So this is how the conversation goes with my mortgage guy:
"We're gonna need a check for the appraiser soon."
"Okay. What's he appraising?"
"The house."
"But we already agreed on $387,000."
"Doesn't matter. We have to make sure the house is worth that much."
"But everybody said we got a great deal on the house."
"Doesn't matter."
"But they dropped the price by forty thousand and then we negotiated them down another thirteen thousand and made them throw in all the furniture!"
"Still don't matter."
"Well hold on. Didn't the sellers hire an appraiser when they priced the house in the first place?"
"Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Either way, don't make no difference to us. Whoever it was wasn't our appraiser. That was their appraiser."
"Couldn't my inspector have done the appraising?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"He's an inspector."
"Yeah?"
"Not an appraiser. Look. It's like this. Let's say in five years you guys die."
"I like this scenario already."
"And it turns out the house is only worth $200,000 on a house they gave you 387 for. That's a big loss for the bank."
"I get it. What you're saying is the bank assumes we're stupid enough to pay double what a house is worth?"
"That's not it at all."
"Oh?"
"They think you're going to try to rip them off. Take the money and run."
"So they're assuming we're criminals."
"Basically."
"So why would they give money to criminals?"
"They wouldn't. That's why they have the appraiser. Look. It's not too bad. About $300."
"But if this is all about the bank's risk, how come the bank can't pay for their own appraiser?"
"Because they have you to pay for it."
"Sure. Okay, now here's this other thing I don't get. I already have an attorney, so you'll be removing this attorney fee, right?
"No."
"Okay."
"That fee is for our attorney. You have your attorney. We have our attorney."
"I'm paying for your attorney?"
"Of course."
"But he's your attorney."
"Right."
"Did you at least shop around for me, get yourself a cheap attorney?"
"We hired the best attorney money could buy."
"So, will I paying for his lunch, too?"
"Probably. Depends how hungry he is."
"Do I need to buy everybody's clothes to wear to the meeting?"
"Mr. Brykman. Now you're just being rediculous."